Magical Movie Experience: Generic Vampire Ninja Movie

I'm not sure if this movie is really that bad or not, but decided to blog about it anyway. I got on it halfway through and was drawn in by ham-fisted acting, overdone action sequences and an excess of people snarling at each other. I still haven't seen all of it, but took quick screen captures to sum up the movie in a couple of seconds. There are some things I noticed I'd like to address in depth, though. I actually only learned the title of the movie as I was taking these screens. It's "Vampires: The Turning". As in "You will want to turn your TV off" or "You'd better turn away now" or "Turn away from your sins or you will go to Hell where you'll be forced to watch this movie over and over and over again".


I initially jumped right in on the action during a stupidly extended motorcycle chase, around halfway through the movie. From this tour de force of continuity inconsistencies and stupid stunts I learned that if you want to escape a motley crew of vicious vampirous assailants chasing you on motorcycles, just do a 180-degree turn and run your vehicle through the pack without flinching. They're totally not expecting that, that's why it works!

So we get some vampires exploring the vegetarian lifestyle as they dive headfirst into fruit stands at a marketplace as a result of stunts that have painfully obvious set-ups, some bite the road, others an assortment of lumber. Hum-drum chase scene altogether. Until someone had the bright idea to Woo-up the sequence.

"Animals were hurt in the making of this movie"

Towards the end of this chase, in a transparently blatant attempt to inject some Woo into the movie, the makers decided to hide an assistant behind some crates to release a miniature flock of birds to fly across the scene as the motorcycles whizz by at breakneck speed. A classic action movie cliche, perhaps a well-meaning homage. Nothing to write home (or to a blog) about, until someone loses a beak. I'll gracefully sidestep the obvious breakneck pun and simply extend my condolences to the family of Thaddeus H. Twirp the Third. May you rest peacefully in the dank warehouse these idiots probably left you to die in.

Very shortly after the moment of collision (just a few frames) the action cuts to a different room in the warehouse. Why did they leave this disturbing half a second in the movie? The sequence would not have suffered if the collision had been cut out. I actually later fast forwarded to the end of the credits to see if they might have included the token "No animals were harmed during the making of this movie". Luckily, no, since that would have been a blatant lie.

Secrets of Our Sanguinary Friends

Chase scene ends in an exploding vampire as the sun comes up. Good guys hatch up plan to defeat evil dudes, some third party is also involved, backs will potentially be stabbed. Cue the final, climactic action sequence with ridiculous wire-assisted floaty bits. Kick, punch, it's all in the mind. Over-choreographed tripe. I wasn't really paying attention, as I periodically visited the kitchen to check out if the oven was ready for the bread I was making. One stunt just happened to catch my eye as I carelessly took a gander at the on-screen pandemonium.

A random, expendable, evil vampire guy gracefully eats some foot from a good guy exhibiting the traditional "whirling dervish spinaroo" fighting style, and embarks on an exciting journey down a 2 meter deep trench. Thank you for flying Gravity airlines, next stop, Rock Bottom! On his way down he makes a halfway stop at an opening, where he decisively drives his ribs into a sharp corner, effectively pulverizing most of them. Of course, vampires have awesome regenerative powers and a high tolerance for pain, so he'll most likely be okay and back in action in no time. But, what's this! Oh, my...

It all makes sense now! For so long I've wondered why most recent vampire movies contain excessive amount of hand-to-hand and foot-to-face combat! It appears that you can literally knock the vampire out of someone if you hit them hard enough. It appears a hard enough knock can make them pop out their dangerously overgrown fangs. Perhaps an extended beating will get the blood running and even cure their pale complexion. Most of our contemporary vampire hunters should be informed of this, lest they kill any more people who could be saved!

Also, I helpfully highlighted another nifty little detail in the animation above: DO NOT BUY LADDERS FROM THAILAND!

Oookkay, right, so, some kind of horseplay from a group of vampire hunters who start killing the good guys (who are also vampires), then the main character dude uses a dying vampire chick as a grenade to blow the leader of the vampire hunters to smithereens. Finally he finds his kidnapped girlfriend and they're now both vampires and I need to get out more.

This movie, as much I've seen of it, was almost as painful as reading Ray Comfort's blog. On second thought, and in light of the recent content published on said blog, I rescind that statement. This movie only equals being stripped naked, thrown at by an assortment of cacti, having your eyes dug out with a spoon, getting rolled down a rough, steep cliff with razorblades embedded into its face and eventually landing in a wading pool filled with iodine where a clown throws a pie of acid on your face. Comfort's blog is way, way worse.